Last time I was here, I shared my frustration of finding the body of Christ hidden in a tabernacle that had been forgotten. I was upset that nobody had taken notice and that He had been sitting alone with nobody to accompany Him. I’ve slowly come to the realization, that, I haven’t bothered to visit God myself. I’m so lost in my work, and my day to day living that I set him aside, because I figured, Hey, I work at a Church! I talk to people everyday about God, His plan, His wonder, how much of a difference He makes in a person’s life when you truly let Him take control. I am so wrapped up in making sure that my work is perfect, that I don’t let anyone down. I let myself worry about presenting as many possibilities as possible to the teens of how they can encounter Christ in the journey of their every day life. I forgot the most important component to that… me. I’m use to working endless hours, and giving everything for the Honor and Glory of God that I forget to nourish myself.

Last week I decided that Advent was where I was going to start. I was going to make intentional time for meditation and reflection in order to prepare for Christ this Christmas. I started by using the Blessed is She Advent Journal, “By the Manger in the Morning”. It’s helped me purposely set time aside every night to reflect. Today’s reflection touched on a topic that I have a hard time talking about. Motherhood. Why would this be hard for me to talk about? I’m a 29 year old single girl, who loves what she does for a living. I get paid to talk about God all day, and bring Him to life for others. I get to push myself everyday and attempt to live a Christ centerd life. I get to show teens how different a life is when you purposely live for Christ. How no matter the difficulties life is always better with him. However, with that comes a world of judgement. Because I’m a Christian. Don’t get me wrong, most of the time I’m fine with it. I’m fine with being persecuted for my beliefs or made fun of because I work too many hours and don’t get paid enough. Lately though, I’ve truly been aching, I’ve been aching because I feel lonely.

I feel lonely. Hard words to type and even harder to say out loud. Hence why today’s reflection really struck a cord. They talked about how we (women) are all called to be spiritual mothers. Some are to their own children others are mothers to those around them, nurturing relationships. As I read the lines on my journal I could not help but cry. Because, I don’t know if I will get the chance to be a mother, or a wife. God might have called me to be a spiritual mother to all the teens I care for. This makes me ache, because even thought I love those kids, and I would do anything to educate and love them. I feel as if that isn’t enough…

I’m weak, I have so many flaws and I need someone to help me on my spiritual journey. Someone who can fight the good fight with me and enjoy life along the way. Realistically, we don’t live in a world where you hear a 29 year old say, “I want to be Holy, I want to become a Saint, and I want my husband and children to come on that journey with me”. We live in a world where careers come first. Where the amount of money in your bank account matters immensely. Young adults don’t want to get married until their older, a lot older, and they’ve “gotten everything out of their system”. It’s not normal for a young adult to be a virgin or chaste or to attempt to be. There are few out there, making the dating pool even smaller than it was. Because where does one meet a person if you’re “not normal” because you don’t enjoy going out to bars or getting drunk on the weekend.

I probably sound like a bitter, lonely 29 year old girl reading to much into a reflection. I just had to share because I’m tiered of feeling lonely, and misunderstood. Mostly though, I’m just tiered of feeling lonely. I’ve come to the realization that as much as I love what I do, I’m a hypocrite. I talk about how much my life has changed because God is the primary source for everything. I realize though, that as much as I trust Him, I haven’t truly trusted Him with my heart and my life. I’m not sure if I’m scared of losing control, or scared of what he has in-store for me, but I haven’t let Him take control.

This advent, I’ve embarked on a journey. A journey to bring Christ to my heart this Christmas. For me, part of that entails giving up control and trusting Him with my heart. This is not going to be easy, but I’m tiered of feeling lonely because I’m to proud to let Him make the moves. I leave you with this prayer from the Blessed is She group.

“God, you made me a mother. No matter the number of children’ I’ve borne in my womb or heart, I know your plan for me is to nurture. Make me aware of the people you’ve put in my life who need me to nudge them, to love them, to be the one to carry, to cradle, to provide the soft place to land. And when you show me the need, Lord, help me meet it.”