#WorldMentalHealthDay

That’s today…

October 10th…

#WorldMentalHealthDay

That was the line I saw as I was mindlessly scrolling through instagram. The sight of that phrase felt like a bucket of ice water being poured over me. But why? Why did that phrase hold so much power? It’s because the past few weeks have been really difficult. I struggle with severe depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. I see a therapist on a regular basis and take medication to help me navigate the road to feeling “normal”. However, I’ve been “actively” fighting this monster for the past 3 years, and I say actively because now I know I’ve really been fighting for almost 15 years, and let me tell you, I’ve never fought anything so hard in my entire life!

Like any battle, there are moments of complete calm, where I experience clarity, focus, drive, energy and most important, no darkness. Some moments last longer than others, and they are so wonderful because I feel like myself, I feel alive!

Then, there’s the periods of fog. The ones where it feels like my eyes are carrying 100 lbs of weight on each eyelid. The ones where even after sleeping 12+ hours I still feel exhausted. The ones where everything hurts, my body, mind, and soul. The periods of time where taking a shower seem like an impossible act. The ones where brushing my teeth take so much energy it’s easier to just grab the mouth wash. The ones where I live in a bun because combing my hair is out of the question. Those periods of time are extremely scary because my thoughts linger more than usual. My dark thoughts are very present, and seem so very real.

During these times I tend to make never ending lists in my head, that say things like:

• Coward
• Careless
• Irresponsible
• Lazy
• Fake
• Weak
• Moody
• Pessimistic
• Wast of Space

They’re on repeat. EVERY SINGLE DAY.

From there come the worst kind of thoughts. The ones where I think, how fast would I need to go to loose control of my car? Maybe this intersection is where I get into an accident. I wish I had terminal cancer or a terminal disease. What about a brain aneurysm? or a stroke? heart-attack? It’s dark, I know, and I have to remind myself they are not real thoughts. It is my brain playing games with me.

I share this because even during these really dark moments. I know my life is worth a lot. Even when the only thing I want is to not wake up, I know I matter. I know the thoughts aren’t real. So today of all days, I share this. Because I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I don’t want to live like this anymore, and I want others to understand that those of us fighting Mental illness fight every single day. Even when it doesn’t seem like it. Even when all that we accomplished is to leave out room and sit on the couch for a few hours.

I share this because I’m tired of hearing, “somethings need to be kept private”, “you shouldn’t share these things so openly”, “you should share this with your therapist and not the world”, “everyone suffers with depression, you just have to try harder.”

I share this for all those who fight everyday and feel like they aren’t making any progress. I share this for those who think depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and mental illness is a “fad” or a “trend”. It’s not. We simply can’t continue to keep it to ourselves anymore. It’s a cry for help. It’s a cry for understanding. I share this for anyone out there who hasn’t heard the truth.

YOU MATTER. YOU ARE LOVED. YOU ARE WORTHY, AND THE WORLD WOULD BE A LOT EMPTIER WITHOUT YOU. THIS FIGHT DOES NOT DEFINE YOU, AND YOU… WE, WE WILL OVERCOME THIS, TOGETHER!